Elemental Reality
by goddessa39
Summary: Buffy's POV on the ways she remains fighting, the resons, the hows, the whys and the way she does things... not good w summaries. Its and okay angsty fic. one-shot fic.


Elemental Reality

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the thought process.

Timeline: Post Buffy coming back from the dead.

I think that is all.

Buffy's POV

.......

My name is Buffy Anne Summers, and I am the vampire slayer. Actually, I'm a vampire slayer. There's another one in a woman's prison in LA. I don't know if another was called.

Okay, so that's the basics of my basics.

I am also sister/mother to Dawn Marie Summers, the Key. I have blonde hair, green eyes that I am told differ depending on my mood, and am soul mate to Angel, the soul of Angelus, the Scourge of Europe.

Okay, so some of you can deny that I belong with My Angel, but it's true. If it wasn't then I wouldn't be here to this day.

My watcher, Rupert Giles, my friends, Willow and Xander, and their friends/lovers that are also my friends, Anya and Tara make up my family. Okay, so the only blood between us is Dawn and I; Family is what you make it and the memories you get out of life. Or something like that.

But who am I really? I don't know. I have been trying to figure that out for a long time. Years even. But I guess that everyone spends their whole lives looking for who they are, and died before they find themselves.

I guess it doesn't matter that no one really truly figures out everything about themselves.

So I won't stray long on that thought process.

Okay, what am I?

I am one of the longest living vampire slayers. Okay, so I have only been slaying for about 6 ½ years, and have had brief interferences, but I have still lasted longer then most other slayers.

And I am also a huntress... I love the darkness; breathe the darkness, live with the darkness. I am the darkness. But I am also afraid of the darkness, and small places, which probably has something to do with the fact that I was resurrected with dark magics by one of my best friends, and woke up to black nothingness in a small coffin six feet under... that doesn't have anything to do with it.

Although, if you count my depression circling from there, it might...

That's not the point. What am I?

I don't know that either.

I once told Riley off because he found out I was the slayer, and he asked me that question. At first, it was, "Who are you?" But that he asked, "What are you?"

I took offence, and I told him off.

I don't know if I would now.

I have to accept it, or I will be as good as dead. And I can't die. Well, I can, but I won't 'cause if I do they'll just find another way to resurrect me, and then Id be here all over again.

So I won't bother. I don't know if the briefest stint in heaven is worth all of this pain for months.

I would still be away from my Angel during death. That only gets me peace in heaven, not total 'always and forever' perfect happiness. And with that realization comes the fact that I need to get Angel back...

Oh yeah, back on topic: "Who am I, What am I?"

I am Buffy Anne Summers, Vampire Slayer, soul mate to my Angel, and in my own right, and elemental...

Think about it.

Earth, air, fire, water. Those are the basic elements.

Water: On the night of a dance in high school, a master vampire calling himself, 'The Master' had risen, and he sucked by blood and dropped me into a puddle. My current state kept me from moving much at all, so I drowned. Not the best way to go I'll tell you.

Air: My best friend Xander was urged by my lover/ soul mate/ vampire/ future boyfriend and husband (not that he told me about the Claudaigh's meaning...) to breath into me, using CPR to revive me. Somehow, it worked, and I was back to the living.

You might not think of it this way, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I jumped off of the tower to save my sister, but also for myself. I couldn't handle the world anymore if everything that is or was ever good is just stripped away from you. It is pointless, and I wouldn't stand for it. I still won't, but I can barely take fighting any longer.

So I jumped. And fell into the burning electricity that was heat and fire. I fell and fell and fell, but it didn't hurt because all I had in my mind's eye was my Angel, and I felt sorry for leaving him, but he needed to understand that I wouldn't just let 'them' strip her away like they did to him, and will to everyone else in my life.

And I was moderately happy. I was at peace though. I knew everyone was fine, and all of my friends would be all right. I felt kind of bad for Faith and the other slayers (when they would be called) that they still had to be there and fight the darkness that you don't understand until you get plenty of experience in that department.

And then I was pulled through it. Burning, hot, steaming, painful, currents of lava0like heat that burned me and flames my mind so that all I felt was the pain as I was ripped out of heaven by my best friend who just so happened thought I was in hell for doing the swan dive after all I have done for the sorry world... It hurt. And then I realized it was the flame that was pulling me, and that flame burned me and I knew that it was not god, not devils, it was past and present and future pain.

It was my pain. It was me who once felt that deep lonely, empty part of myself, and now It as going to feel that again, so I froze and wailed and tried to go back to heaven where I could await my friends and my Angel, and instead, I woke up in a small wooden box.

But that not the worse part; what's worse is not that they left me there, and didn't think that far ahead. Its not worse that I was still six feet under and it wasn't worse that demons had started terrorizing the town, after they had decided to do the spell, and allowed me to wake up in that kind of place. And what's worse is that I woke up to a corpse that wasn't even fully reanimated yet.

The feeling of bugs crawling through most of my parts, lungs that wouldn't beat, a heart that had literal holes, and beat less then when I was temporarily a vampire. And they wouldn't even let me all My Angel when I got back.

They couldn't see the pain. I hid it as usual. They just went for canniness though. My façade was back, and the useless fluffy bunny person that was always happy and perfect and the best for everyone was back.

They didn't believe it for a second... at first. They had known it would take a little time to get back to normal, and they gave me a little time.

But it was too loud, too bright, too harsh, and too painful. And I was stuck back into a life that hadn't rightly been mine for years.

And when I finally go the ability to speak back, I was told not to call him. 'He has moved on." They said. 'Don't bug him- he already mourned me.' They said.

I didn't care. I mourned him a little when he came back and then I was thrust to be with him, and I do it the same if I'd had the chance to re do it. He was all I wanted and they kept me away.

... Anyways, where was I?

So, I am an elemental. I don't wanna be though. But I accept it. I have used logic, the rules of nature, and magic to help restore and kill me, so there should be nothing left to hurt me until I can finally have my finality of peace with my Angel.

I bet a lot of you can say something against that too. That I cant be an elemental right?

It doesn't matter though, because they might be my friends, they might be my family, but they can't see it.

I can though. And that is all that matters.

I have to walk in the shadow of darkness which is just the shadow of myself as I await my peace that will come. It has too, and He will find me.

'Cause if he won't, then I was never here, I am not real, I am just a figment of your imagination. But if I am so that, then you isn't real and you must only exist in the mind of your creator, and them in their creators, and so and and so on and so on... But then where does that stop, and who is actually real?

I don't know, but I am here, whether I am real or not. I have to some day have my Angel and I will or nothing exists. And if nothing exists then there won't be much point in anything including you and your reasons for hearing me out.

But I know that I am an elemental 'because I have touched everything and there is nothing left that I haven't touched.

Sometimes I expect myself to fly away like a leaf when the wind comes, or stop fires with my watery hands, or move the earth with only my will, but it won't matter if I do or not because I am a slayer and I have to protect them whether I am real or not. I hope this is simply a dream and I can get back to living a happy life with a dog, a house with a white picket fence, and 2.4 kids, but I doubt it, however possible. But if it was possible then it would have already happened, here, on the hellmouth. And it wouldn't be much for giving me miracles or blessings or a helping hand.

So Ill just have to wait it out.

Angel is a vampire, so I have one question: Are elementals immortal? If not, then can you hurry it up with our deaths? We have been fighting under the Power's control without pay or happiness. If you want the world to keep spinning, you better give us some kind of hope to live for...


End file.
